I received a call this week from a nice man that was here visiting his mom. He has a brother, who is mom’s POA, and a sister, all of whom live out-of-state. Jim was here to determine if mom could continue to live alone due to her ongoing memory loss or if it was time to look at other alternatives.
I met Jim and his mom at her home. Mom signed the Consent giving me permission to perform the initial assessment and so we began… To make a long story short, she has severe short term memory loss, difficulty finding words, has not been seen by a neurologist or evaluated for any memory impairment, continues to drive, eats ice cream and cake as her primary form of nutrition, has no local support system in place, has fallen twice in the past 12 months, failed the mini-mental exam and scored poorly on the depression evaluation. She admits to being lonely and has few opportunities for socialization or cognitive stimulation.
Jim remarked that he was surprised mom didn’t kick me out within the first five minutes I was there. Instead, I visited and assessed for two hours. We laughed, she smiled and when I departed, I got a hug from her and an understanding from Jim that his brother, as POA, would authorize me to continue the assessment by obtaining medical records, making recommendations, and working with the family to implement those items necessary to keep mom safe, healthy and happy. Basically, improve her quality of life.
Jim’s brother spend the better part of the week in a state of what I call, “analysis paralysis“. Although he holds POA, he is unable or unwilling to focus on the needs of his ailing mother or the necessity to face the reality of the situation. He has decided to do nothing and maintain the status quo. He will not sign the consent that would allow me to help this lovely lady and her family.
I could hear the frustration in Jim’s voice as he cares about his mom and he wants to help her. Whatever their family dynamics may be, this lonely woman, who is suffering from an untreated and undiagnosed form of dementia, is the one who will pay the price. Through no fault of her own, she will continue to drive, continue to be at risk, and her quality of life continue to be unnecessarily poor.
I know it’s hard when you live hundreds of miles away. I know it’s hard to take care of yourself, your wife and your own kids. I also know that if you can’t handle the responsibilities that come with being the POA for someone who trusted you to act in her best interests when she couldn’t, you do have options and you do have choices. Choosing to do nothing by living in a continued state of denial is simply not acceptable – not when she trusted him to be there when she needed him.
Elayne Forgie has been a professional geriatric care manager for over 20 years and was a founding Board Member of the Florida Geriatric Care Managers Association. She is the President/CEO of ElderCare at Home, Inc. and The Alzheimer's Care Resource Center. Information on this website or contained in this article is not intended to replace the medical advice of your doctor or health care provider.
